replace it with a UV light so I can be the beacon of hope that you've always expected

[two_grey_rooms]

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TELL YOU....

I figure being perpetually caught up on my flist + occasionally piping in with posts ruminating on Marc Chagall's contribution to the zombie apocalypse TOTALLY means it's time for the anon memes to start kicking around this journal. Trufax, I have been admiring them from afar all throughout my LJ furlough. I'm not so sure what exactly is the allure of eye-burning html marshaling in comments promising to tell me I've an alternate personality moonlighting as a furry, BUT I'M ROLLING WITH IT, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Other things I love: 1) Jeanette Winterson rendered sketchy by fangirling Alison Bechdel, 2) MY RIDICULOUS FUCKING HETEROSEXIST PURITANICAL ADJECTIVE-ABUSE-INDUCING FORMAL "SEX EDUCATION" FINALLY FUCKING ENDING THIS WEEK, 3) dancing around my living room to Los Campesinos! in very little clothing, and 3) LONG CAT IS LOOOOOOOONG. Oh my god the internet is eating my brain.

Hi, flist! How are you all?

Comments

[cool-rain-kiss.livejournal.com]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~

I'm a creepster. Look at my creepster eyes: :)



... OMG DID YOU HAVE TO HAVE A PRETEND FAMILY AND RAISE A PRETEND BABBY AND CONTRACT PRETEND STDS AT SCHOOL????

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHHAH CLOSE BUT NO. Evidently the curriculum isn't quiiiite heterosexist enough to force everyone into neat little hermetically sealed units of American-Dreamed Family Bliss. HOWEVER, we were all given cards with numbers and the instruction to shake hands with whoever we wanted. ARE YOU SEEIN MUH HEALTH TEACHER'S EUPHEMISTIC GENIUS? Tragically, this was our introduction to sex ed, and the day before we'd covered boring ol' non-sexually transmitted infectious diseases, so I figured this activity was nothing more than a titillating exploration of PATHOGEEEEENS. Which is TRAGIC because if I'd've figured out we were all fucking (and some people got shiny shiny STDs! and everyone they fucked got STDs too!), I WOULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH MORE OBNOXIOUS YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

...except for the part where I was given the card that said "don't shake hands with anyone!" Yes. Yes, I was highlighted as a glowing exemplar of CELIBACY :D :D :D. Which was so so great because she was all, "SO, WHAT METHODS DID YOU USE TO DEFLECT 'HAND-SHAKING' LOLZ ME SO CLEVER~~~~"

And I was all, "I was INSULTING and BELLIGERENT and I even slapped my friend :D :D :D :D"

And she was all, "LOLZ THAT DOES NOT SOUND VERY POSITIVE! DID YOU STILL MANAGE TO HAVE AN OVERALL POSITIVE EXPERIENCE???"

And I was all, "NO. I felt like less of a human, and my soul was so sad that even Jesus could not save me from THE PITS OF SEXLESS DESPAAAAAIR. BUT NO DESPAIR CAN END MY ABSTINENCE! I'M DOIN' IT FOR JEEEEESUS!"

"...THAT IS ENOUGH FROM YOU YOU CAN SIT DOWN NOW."

Uh. Don't my tales re: my immaturity enhance your life? YES THEY DO.

Omg omg BUT EVEN THAT WASN'T AS AMUSING AS THE TWO HOMOPHOBIC-EST DUDES WINDING UP AS THE "MONOGAMOUS COUPLE." Or they were supposed to be, but they didn't listen to their cards and were ~*~INTREPIDLY WANTON~*~ with 489723847284 other dudes. THAT WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL CAREER THUS FAR.

(LONG COMMENT IS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!)

[cool-rain-kiss.livejournal.com]

LOL

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

YOUR LAUGHTER BROKE MY COMPUTER SCREEN D:

[escherzo.livejournal.com]

LONG CAT IS

L
O
O
O
O
O
O
N
G

also somebody has to tell you about that alternate personality before it gets another set of bunny ears.

[lawlzify.livejournal.com]

When I saw the multipinks on your entry, I thought you'd finally gone bonkers.

I was right. ♥

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

NO, SIR, BONKERS I AM NOT. I'm just a lowly little memesheep. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ALSO I AM SMELLY.

[lawlzify.livejournal.com]

i can has shower wiff u?

"NO. I felt like less of a human, and my soul was so sad that even Jesus could not save me from THE PITS OF SEXLESS DESPAAAAAIR. BUT NO DESPAIR CAN END MY ABSTINENCE! I'M DOIN' IT FOR JEEEEESUS!"

ILU. ♥ Can I be a guest in your sex-ed class, there to observe purely for the lulzfest that is certain to commence? Wait, that sounds bad, never mind.

Also I love that YOU got the get-out-of-sex-free card. :D

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

sheepz dun shower, silly! You can have a sweater knit of my fleece because I love you enough to shave myself nude and clothe you with my detritus ♥ ♥ ♥ (the triple hearts serve to make you believe this is romantic instead of horrifying)

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS HORRIFYING IS YOUR PREDILECTION FOR STALKING! lol you're reading my comments to other people FREAK. WHY DON'T YOU JUST GAMBOL THROUGH THE STREETS WITH MY STOLEN PANTIES ON YOUR HEAD? (a har har har, obviously I jest. the internet was MADE for creepifying stalking! I know I do this aaaaall the time).

And you could sit in if I had more than one class left! Sorry, babe, you missed some, uh, LESBIAN RAAAAAAGE requisite exasperation in response to tragic ineptitude OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE IS ELLIE GONNA HAFTA CHOKE A BITCH?! moments...you missed some brilliant stuff, for serious.

My favorite part of the health class, however, HAS GOT TO BE the Drugs Will Make You Infertile And Unable To Subsume Any And All Comfort Food Without Breaking Out In Horrible Horrible Boils And By The Way, Every Time You Smoke A Joint, The Terrorists Blow Up Another Schoolchild unit. Jesus FUCKING Christ, not only was the usual propaganda ridiculous, but they showed us this really gory video of an ER ~*~DRUG DISASTER~*~ and were all THIS COULD BE YOU. HEY, FUCKERS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR FEAR-MONGERING IS SOOOOO LAST SEASON? WE GOT HOPE IN THE WHITE HOUSE NOW, ACT ACCORDINGLY.

...Holy shit, I can RAMBLE. D:

[rain-explodes.livejournal.com]

LONG CAT IS SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPED.

I love sex-ed classes, PURELY for the lols. And the videos of sheer embarrassment.

STAY WITH LJ ALWAYS.

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

SO WHAAAAAAAAAAT SO'S THIS, AND WHO'S COMPLAINING?

We had to watch a video with a giant talking penis in a suit accompanying a woman in a tastefully vaginal dress discuss HOW BABIES ARE MADE on a fake talk show called THE G-SPOT. I AM. NOT. MAKING THIS SHIT UP. At least I think that's what it was about? Heterosexuality is just WRONG, man, I didn't want that blasphemous shit inflicted on my chaste little soul. So I kinda stopped watching the video two seconds through, after expelling a heaving "OH MY FUCKING GOD" at my friend, and devoting the rest of the period to reading the equally hilarious LGBTQQI FAQ section of the site ("I LIKE THIS GIRL, BUT I THINK SHE MIGHT BE A LESBIAN. HOW CAN I TELL?). (yeah, we got to watch the horrifying videos INDIVIDUALLY ON COMPUTERS! god bless the technology age.)

[rain-explodes.livejournal.com]

I LOL'D.

... I love FAQs like that.

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

I was really shocked and appalled that the faq didn't allude to flannel even ONCE. WHAT KIND OF RETARDED SEX ED IS THIS WITHOUT LESBIANS IN FLANNEL? I IMPLORE YOU.

...I own a flannel shirt. IT'S REALLY COMFORTABLE OKAY?!

[rain-explodes.livejournal.com]

What IS flannel?

I'm going to assume that I do already know this, but I only ever hear Americans saying "flannel" as a material. WHAT.

heeere comes the laggardly lesbian!

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

For this comment I love you forever, solely because if you saw me irl you'd be the only one of my friends (ONLINE FRIENDS TOTALLY COUNT ALL RIGHT? I HAVE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS, I knew you before I really knew you--hp boards, anyone? SURELY YOU GET SOME CRED FOR THAT) NOT to snark about my unfortunate sartorial choices. LET'S ELOPE!

In a tragic paradox, however, I feel it is my god-given duty as a lesbian to enlighten you in your woeful ignorance, giving you due permission to mock me forever more. Behold flannel in its natural habitat, stereotypically endemic to lumberjacks and lesbians.

Re: heeere comes the laggardly lesbian!

[rain-explodes.livejournal.com]

(Seriously, we have known each other for years. I joined HP when I was 12. THAT'S SIX YEARS, MAN! NEARLY SEVEN.)

Wait, I don't get it. Is flannel the material, or the overall .. shirt? Because I have one of those. I think it's just cotton though.

In all honesty, checked shirts are massive over here right now. So it maybe depends on how said clothing is worn. I, for one, wouldn't know if I saw a flannel-clad lesbian.

Re: heeere comes the laggardly lesbian!

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

...THAT SHIT IS BANANAS (I still have no idea what this means). Wait, SERIOUSLY?! That is...inconceivable. Hang on, we couldn't've really known each other that long, could we? I mean, like, if YOU were twelve, I was ten, which was when I juuust joined the boards, and I don't think I started spamming the millionaires immediately. BUT STILL. We've known each other too long. We need to start bickering like an old married couple, I think. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODLE! DID YOU FEED MY FLANNEL SHIRT TO THE DOG AGAIN, YOU CRAZY FUCKING OLD BIRD.

Flannel is the material, but only in shirt form is it stereotypical lesbian ware.

DAMN YOU, LIMEYS, AND YOUR WEIRD CULTURE. Y'ALL ARE FREAKS.

Re: heeere comes the laggardly lesbian!

[rain-explodes.livejournal.com]

(It doesn't mean anything. It is pure gold in the form of language.)

Yes. It really has been that long. Amazingly. Maybe like, a year out. But still. SEVEN YEARS.

QUIET YOU WRETCHED FLANNEL WEARING COW. THE DOG HAS NO TEETH. IT CAN'T EAT CLOTHING. YOU MUST HAVE USED IT TO WASH THE FISH AGAIN.

Is it like, soft? Kind of like, tiny bit furry?

LESBIANS WEAR ANYTHING THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE. THEY JUST GIVE OFF AN AURA OF LESBIANISM. LIKE STUDENTS.

Re: heeere comes the laggardly lesbian!

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

If you ask the song I'm listening to right now, actually, "gold/is another word for culture/leads to fattening/of the vultures." If Gwen Stefani is gold--HOLY SHIT KYP MALONE WANTS TO EAT GWEN STEFANI. FURTHER EVIDENCE OFF THE SAME ALBUM: "I hunger for like a cannibal/not gonna let you run." OH MY FUCKING GOD. Or maybe he just wants to asphyxiate her with his formidable beard. I AM UNCOVERING A CONSPIRACY HERE OKAY~~

Did you just ask me if flannel was furry? MAYBE IF YO' DOG SHED ON IT.

MY AURA OF LESBIANISM IS WEAK, MAN. Seriously. Someone thought I was straight recently, and I found it highly distressing.

Re: heeere comes the laggardly lesbian!

[rain-explodes.livejournal.com]

I KNEW IT. Not that I've heard this song, or of any of the aforementioned. I'm kidding! The above made no sense, so I retaliated with an equally incoherent response.

I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHAT I MEAN. LIKE. SOFT COTTON? IDK.

Seriously man, you're failing at lesbian. As is one of my very good friends. She's kissed 3+ boys since moving to university. BAD LESBIAN FORM.

Re: heeere comes the laggardly lesbian!

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahaha sometimes I forget how to speak the English language. This usually results from music in my ears drowning everything else out, including, you know, logic and syntax and otherwise rational human functions.

I think it's usually made from cotton, so that would be a yes.

OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOULD I GET A BUZZ CUT? SHOULD I LISTEN TO MORE K.D. LANG? SHOULD I BLAME THE PATRIARCHY THE NEXT TIME MY LOCKER'S JAMMED??

Re: heeere comes the laggardly lesbian!

[rain-explodes.livejournal.com]

ALL OF THE ABOVE. AND YOU HAVE TO WEAR DOC MARTENS. TRUFAX.

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

(YOU LOVE MY OPPRESSIVE EDITS)

[rain-explodes.livejournal.com]

HELL YES.

Though, I do end up going through each comment trying to find what changed.

allow me to introduce myself to your comments.

[imortlnoctrn.livejournal.com]

eta: html, i fail at you sometimes.

Re: allow me to introduce myself to your comments.

[two-grey-rooms.livejournal.com]

OMGZ MOMMIIIIIE THERE'S A SCARY PEDOPHILE ON THE LOOSE IN MY LJ! POSTING PICTUREZ WOT WILL GIVE ME NIGHTMARES. (Obviously I was too busy quaking with terror to respond to this comment promptly, okay. Um. Sometimes I fail at the internet, and it usually coincides with school hogtying me--with BARBS! and FIRE! and logarithms ;___;)

Re: allow me to introduce myself to your comments.

[imortlnoctrn.livejournal.com]

s'ok, they moved me to day shift in a position that's supposed to be eight hours that's really taking ten, so i'm not on nearly as often as usual ;_;