what beast would turn its life into words?

So, today I was aiming to make a post about America's First President To Have Paraphrased Spider-Man And What He Means To Me, but I opted instead to go up to my room, to very quickly drop off my coat, and then somehow I found myself waking up twenty years later in the middle of the Catskill mountains with a crazy fuckin' beard and a revolution I knew nothing about underway in my motherland, and my wife is dead, and MY LIFE WAS LIKE TOTALLY OVER--

And then I decided to stop being Rip Van Winkle and study for my math test like the diligent little student I am. Even though it was almost six-o-fucking-clock, WHAT.

Which is what I did all day night, sans eat dinner, which is why I was going to go back to sleep without so much as a flist comment today, but my dad just came home from his Very Important Temple Gathering. Evidently, the featured film of his Very Important Moth-Ball-Scented, Sweater-Vest-Clad Temple Gathering Film Night was not about "uhhh some old Jewish person!" ("...could you be a little more specific than that, Dad?" "Uhhh I think, something about, uh, art?") as was promised over the phone, but was about MARC FUCKING CHAGALL whom I love madly (who is, admittedly, some old--if by "old" you mean "dead"--Jewish person with something to do with art, but so is my grandma and her collection of horrifying malformed beaded animals).

My precious father, who is officially the preciousest dad in all the land, tried to make it up to me by offering to stalk Marc Chagall's granddaughter in her place of employ. I wish I knew what to make of this.

eta: BECAUSE MY DAD'S BRAIN, LET ME SHOW IT TO YOU. It only gets crackier.

DAD: ALSO MARC CHAGALL SPOKE TO US AND HE WAS REALLY NICE!
ME: Dad, Marc Chagall is dead oh my god what sect of Judaism did you say your temple was again?
DAD: HA HA HA.
ME: No, but seriously, he's dead. You, you know this, right?
DAD: YES!
ME: ...?!?
DAD: I MEANT. HE SPOKE. IN THE MOVIE. OH OH IT'S STILL PLAYING! YOU COULD SEE IT WITH ME! MICHELLE MICHELLE COME BE JEWISH WITH ME!!!

Next week, you guys, I am going to join my father in COMMUNING WITH THE DEAD. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU, MR. OBAMA. CAN YOU ZOMBIFY MARC CHAGALL? I THINK NOT!

HELLOOOOOOO, KIDS! ADULTS! MUSKRATS! GIRLS! BOYS! GENDERQUEER PEOPLE! WOMEN! MEN! FANTHINGS! COBRAS! LICHEN! PATHOGENS! ALL KATHLEENS EVERYWHERE WHO ARE LISTED DIRECTLY AFTER "PATHOGENS" SO AS TO PROVIDE AN AMPLE CONTRAST BECAUSE A KATHLEEN IS FACTUALLY COMPRISED OF HOLY WATER, MYSTERIOUS GOLDEN LIGHT, AND PONIES! ANY CATEGORIES OF LIFE I HAVE IGNORANTLY GLOSSED OVER IN MY HASTE TO BE CREEPILY EXUBERANT! HI. HI HI HI. SALUT! HOLA! HOLLA! ETC.

If you are unsure, yes, this is veritably two_grey_rooms, more commonly known as Ellie, and not some relation thereof asking you to please send your condolences to the family because Ellie has died in a tragic and untimely accident. Nor am I a spambot with a Trojan encoded in the exclamation-mark-y reign of terror wot you have witnessed above. I REPEAT, this is [Bad username or site: TWO_GREY_MOTHERFUCKING_ROOMS @ livejournal.com] in the FLESH on a COMPUTER CHAIR with a KEYBOARD. TALKING. TO YOU ALL. RIGHT. NOW. DO NOT BE ALARMED! (Also, I am not a zombie. evidently, I am. see comments to rain_explodes for details.)

I come bearing a sensational announcement: I AM ALIVE.

You know that thing that I haven't been doing? That thing that involves, idk, some reeeeal strenuous shit like idk ACTUALLY COMMUNICATING WITH ALL OF YOU LOVELY PEOPLE. Well. It should be, you know, happening from now on. This means that if you had me on an "I am not actually sure this person exists, and if they do, I do not want them reading my lj because they are probably using it for lethally dodgy and perhaps even lecherous purposes, oh my god I do not even remember consentually friending this user, will someone call the cops already" filter or some variant thereof, PLEASE TO BE RECTIFYING THIS. You are all awesome to purely absurd degrees, and I cannot even adequately convey how made of fail I have been.

HI, OLD PEOPLE! I cannot wait to get home from school tomorrow so we can ~~rekindle old flames and hopefully this rekindling will not involve too many instances of setting me on fire, even though my social skills and I thoroughly thoroughly deserve it.

HI, NEW PEOPLE! I think we should get to know each other like proper old chaps and I should not be a LJfucktard anymore! YOU ALL SEEM PROFOUNDLY AWESOME, EVEN IF YOU HAVE BEEN ON MY FLIST FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AND I AM STILL FORCED TO REFER TO YOU AS "NEW PEOPLE" BECAUSE OF AFOREMENTIONED EGREGIOUS SOCIAL SKILLS. \o/

Now I am going to get to bed, so I can pretend to be functional in five and a half hours, and then I can come home from school, probably sleep until I am declared catatonic, magically reanimate around dinnertime, and TALK TO YOU ALL ALL THE BLESSED FRIDAY-NIGHT LONG! It has been far, far, far, far, far too motherfucking long.

PS: WHOA MY LIVEJOURNAL IS LOOKING KIND OF FUNKY. By which I not only mean that I've had the same layout and user info since eighth grade, but uh. The text is all excruciatingly tiny, and yeah, this exercise in eye-killing is only happening on MY lj and no other pages at all? Can anyone think of a feasible reason for this, aside from due penance for neglecting the magical land of lj and betraying Jesus and killing Tinkerbell and whatnot? Oh dear me, internets is weird. I bet you have all missed my tedious lj-related technical questions so, so much ♥ ♥ ♥.