what beast would turn its life into words?

i love this weather so much i want to have sex with it.

i am also rather in love with the choice of john c. reilly as haymitch in the forthcoming hunger games movie. it is perfect in every way (JUST LIKE THIS MFING WEATHER) and almost makes up for the horrendous casting of gale. almost.

i'm not quite in love with the idea that i am already excited about a movie that isn't coming out for another eleven months, but hey, you know what they say in therapy. that looking forward to things serves a pretty important function in that it, you know, keeps you looking forward. which is, i hear, the antithesis of suicide.

who here has read the hunger games? who here has dismissed them as another shit-lit fad a la twilight? if you are in the latter camp, you better re-think that shit pronto and haul your ass to your local library or bookstore. i mean it. imagine the most dangerous game meets brave new world, and then throw in a kickass chick with a bow and arrow who you can't quite classify as either a heroine or an anti-heroine.

i am also looking forward to NOT BEING IN HIGH SCHOOL EVER A-FUCKING-GAIN in a matter of weeks. i've still got over a month of time to serve, but shit, son. i will never have to set foot in a fucking high school EVER AGAIN if i don't want to (unless shit gets apocalyptic and someone decides to convert it into a bomb shelter or something). i will never ever ever ever have to take another bullshit standardized test, or be a part of a system where scoring points is valued over actual thinking, and the vast majority of the people in charge have this strange and vaguely authoritarian idea that it's more important to be punished for fucking up (a vital part of exploring and learning) than to figure out how to fix it. probably, i'll be disillusioned again in a matter of months, but for right now? the idea of being thisclose to getting the fuck out is sexy as hell. at any rate, i'm about to spend four years in a place where learning is actually fucking encouraged and facilitated. that's pretty exciting.

a less disjointed, more substantive entry is coming (eventually...maybe sometime around the hunger games's release date :P), but for now i think ima go back to basking in the sunlight like a lizard. catch y'all on the flip side.

ahem. i have an announcement to make.

i don't know how to tell this to ya, but...

I JUST GOT INTO SARAH FUCKING LAWRENCE

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i would post something a little less incoherent, a little more representative of my "compelling [...] qualities" as a ~~~promising young writer~~~ BUT I THINK THIS JUST KNOCKED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE OUT OF MY HEAD?

HOPEFULLY NOT FOREVER

I REALIZE THAT WHAT I AM DOING IS HAVING PAROXYSMS OF JOY ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD AND NOT FORMING ACTUAL SENTENCES I PROMISE I AM USUALLY A BETTER WRITER AND THERE IS A REASON SLC ACCEPTED ME BUT RIGHT NOW THIS IS KIND OF ALL I'M CAPABLE OF

PS: sarah lawrence also said my "insightful proposal on the connections between dystopias and real-world politics is perfect for slc." AND THEY WROTE "PERFECT" WITH TWO UNDERLINES fkjbsdfjkdnsfklsndlkfd

PPS: OH YEAH, i also got into smith, which is awesome, and i also got into bard, which is...bizarre. because they also sort of insulted me in my acceptance letter. no srsly. AND I QUOTE: "The Committee has reviewed your application with particular care and it is abundantly clear to us that you possess considerable talent. However in our judgment, it is also apparent that you have yet to consistently achieve academically at a level commensurate with your abilities. [...] Our offer of admission emanates from the belief that you can prosper at Bard and that you will take the responsibility to address whatever impediments exist to your academic success. We encourage you to seek assistance when necessary and expect that you will utilize the College's support services." LOLWHUT. 1) i told you i have clinical depression and ptsd, you dumb motherfuckers; 2) "our offer...emanates from the belief" sounds really dumb, and "utilize" is the most pretentious word ever, for christ's sake, you do not sound impressive because you know a synonym for "use," DO YOU SEE WHY I AM CHOOSING SARAH LAWRENCE OVER YOU YOU FUCKWITS ALSO I HATE YOUR EUPHEMISTIC BULLSHITTERY SERIOUSLY GO FUCK YOURSELVES

ANYWAY YEAH

I GOT INTO SLC AND NOW I CAN DIE HAPPY THAT IS ALL

YOU GUYS YOU GUYS

I GOT INTO EMERSON

I'M NOT A FAILURE yet

DHABJHSAKSH BRB CELEBRATING INCOHERENTLY FOREVER

eta: unrelatedly, i just entered this raffle. which means you all get to tell me how fucking adorable my iguana is :D!

( FEDOR IS A MODEL! )

there's a difference between empathy and compassion. it's easy to be empathetic, even natural, because all you have to do is have lived and retain the ability to recognize yourself in others. empathy flourishes over distance, but compassion is something more immediate and much more difficult to develop. i can empathize infinitely, but actually offering up compassion for another human being takes a lot of work. i can be moved by someone else's tribulations; i can feel terrible and write poetry and wish there were something more substantial i could do; i begin also to empathize with the prayerful. but i don't know if it's possible to extend real compassion to anyone other than the people with whom i am absolutely closest. if i call up the estranged aunt with the dying sister, would she receive it as a hollow gesture? or would it be awkward, a hopelessly tangled situation? if i do call her, it's more about her relationship to me than it is to her sister. does it bring comfort to develop new ties when old ones are severed, or does it merely augment the absence?

i can donate money to relief programs for the poor and the hungry; i can join organizations and try to make the world a better place. i will do these things, but compassion drives none of them. i can't even say empathy plays a part, because although i have lived through some horrible things, i have no way of approximating how these people feel because my experiences are completely separate from theirs. my desire to do what i can to heal the earth has a lot more to do with a desire to be useful, to create a purpose for myself, to touch something with my own hands and hope to be able to say, "i've made this better, because i was here." there's a lot of selfishness wrapped up in charity. i don't feel like i am a better or worse person because of it, necessarily. isn't that all anyone can do? figure out what is best, put your ideas forth into actions, with no real way of knowing what their consequences will be, and hope for the best. i have yet to construct a better plan of action.

empathy burns most strongly for my closest friends and family members, and even sometimes for livejournal friends. (there's something to be said for proffering your intimate thoughts to perfect strangers.) compassion follows naturally, but i've noticed that it still takes a bit of work to actually put forth. compassion is more than an expression of condolences, or a nod of the head. it's forcing yourself to feel with another human being, not for them. it involves offering your most honest thoughts and as much of your time as you are able to. maybe the desire to mend ties and build sanctuaries comes from reading too many novels: i devote so much energy to empathizing with fictional people and their fictional worlds that i need some palpable outlet for all that healing energy. and healing energy is what it is, i think.

but compassion is what makes lives worth living, isn't it? it's love made tangible. it's that little moment where you just go, "ah. right. okay. that's what i'm doing here." it's the reason for, and the zenith of, all the best friendships. i've made a lot of those really impossibly great friendships lately, and i'm sort of bewildered as to how i got here. bewildered, but also grateful. it's a good one to be in, this place.

i don't mean to sound supercilious here at all, and i hope i don't sound too sentimental (impossible not to be at least slightly sentimental, when talking about compassion and love, but i am too much of a hopeless sap to be bothered by this). i don't mean to imply a universal "you" either. yeah, this is one of those posts: by "you," i mean "me." i just...had this thought, about the difference between empathy and compassion, and i wanted to get it down, see if anyone else thinks i'm making any sense or if i am just talking out my ass.